Anxious – no, not me – not at all!
I never considered myself an anxious person – I’d get butterflies & have nervous excitement, but if someone asked me if I was prone to anxiety – I’d say no, not at all. Anxiety was something I noticed in others and felt compassion towards them for or I’d read about it in a book while doing some research for my courses. It wasn’t me.
As I transverse this path of living more consciously, I’m learning more and more about myself and my patterns. I’m learning that I would not label myself as anxious or any other emotion that would make me look vulnerable or weak. I’d put on my mask and harden my exterior to move forward with confidence.
Do you think I’m weak because I have anxiety?
For me, the realization that I cannot get rid of it like an unwanted sweater is both a relief and source of anxiety.
My ‘go to’ behaviour when I’m anxious is control. I try to micro-manage the little things or other people and situations when I’m anxious. I try to control every detail of my life that I can to give myself some feeling of being in control. Lately, the knowing that I have absolutely no control in any way as my mom ages and gets confused or dizzy frightens & saddens me. When I don’t want to face these emotions & suppress them, it creates anxiety and I move into ‘control’ mode to avoid the reality of what is in front of me.
Navigating this area of my life is definitely teaching me about being fully present and letting go of expectations while offering me opportunities to face my anger, sadness, upset and frustration instead of burying it and producing more anxiety.
When controlling behaviours arise & I recognize them, I have a chance to reflect upon why or what is making me anxious. Once I grasp that the underlying emotion is anxiety, I can then ask for what I need to calm me or diffuse the grip that limits me. What a joyful and challenging dance & I’m working to hold both without pushing away what I don’t want.
Do you have anxiety? How do you deal with yours? What’s your ‘go to’?
Opening up – being vulnerable – living more and more wholeheartedly requires a commitment to dive inside and excavate all the hidden ‘gems’. As these jewels emerge – they hold the key to expansive, limitless living through the heart. I’m IN – and yes, that stirs a bit of anxiety for me.